he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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