god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
