I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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