I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
ttyl tear gas
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
