There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
