I think I died a long time ago.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
