I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
