Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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