Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
