I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
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well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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