yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
sex in a hospital.. check
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
