The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
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I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet