Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
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I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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