Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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