nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
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I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
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u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"