i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
