there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
