While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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