HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
