when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
