In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
