Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
