While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
