shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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