You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
