I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
