when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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