my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
