My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
