my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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