I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
