So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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