did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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