i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
