Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
