If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
no, he came in my armpit
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
