My sheets look like a crime scene.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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