i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the day after is always just damage control
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
