I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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