someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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