Im at strip club and am horny
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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