fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
