Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
did i just pee glitter
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
