careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Two words: nipple clamps
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