My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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