i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
