hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
