That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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