dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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