My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
