the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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