what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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