sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
