Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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