Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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