well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
