Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
